Picture if you will, an old pinball machine. Now imagine that it is lit up, making obnoxious noises, and the flippers are flying to and fro like crazy trying to bat not one, but several balls at one time, all of which are sporadically hitting different targets and occasionally they disappear down the drain, only to receive half a dozen more into play. This nonstop pinball game is the best analogy I have for my brain and all of the constant thoughts bouncing around in my head.
Perhaps everyone has this experience… I personally find it ridiculous and sometimes annoying. Nonetheless, this seems to be how my brain is wired. As such, I can be extremely random, forgetful, and unfortunately from time to time give the impression that I’m a space cadet. The latter bugs me a bit; it’s not that I don’t have a single thought in my head, it’s just that I have too many to concentrate on. This also contributes to my acute affinity for lists so that I can write down a thought before it goes flying out of my head. I swear; it’s a mess up there – add sleep deprivation or stress to the mix and it’s just a cluster.
Frequently when having conversations with my husband, he will simply gape at me and inquire as to how I got from point A to point B. Other times he will ask if I’m finished arguing with myself. Not long ago I actually argued with myself in a string of text messages to him before he could even respond. He found this utterly comical and is still laughing about it. What can I say? At least I’m amusing.
I’ve been like this for as long as I can remember, but I think when I became a mother, my brain went into overdrive. I suppose this is natural given the immense responsibility of caring for another human life, shaping their character, and all that encompasses raising a good child in a scary world. This is obviously going to throw quite a few more figurative pinballs into the game – a plethora to be “exact.” Maybe it was this added life change and responsibility, maybe it was a lengthy and diabolical battle with postpartum depression (that went undiagnosed because I vehemently denied it), or maybe it was just way overdue, but I have since been on a very long quest for peace and to find my inner calm. This is no easy task and the journey seems endless, but I continue to trudge on – not only for my sake, but in an effort to also be an exemplary role model for my young daughter.
I couple of months ago while having coffee with my best friend, I half jokingly told her that I desperately wanted to become one of those people who do yoga everyday, meditate, and drink green tea. We had a good laugh, but I decided later that I was serious. After a few feeble attempts to inject this new lifestyle (albeit meager) into my already hectic days, I decided I was going to have to wake up an hour early and make it my first priority of the day if I wanted to succeed. Believe it or not, every single day for the past 40 mornings I have dragged my exceedingly reluctant self out of bed, done yoga (and occasionally additional exercises), meditated, reviewed and reflected on the daily Mass readings, prayed, and recited my morning affirmation. And yes; I even started drinking green tea, but it has to be flavored with pomegranate or I won’t touch the stuff.
If you’re wondering if it has helped… it has somewhat. This morning routine in conjunction with my nightly journaling and planning for the next day has improved my overall mood and stress levels. However, I am still struggling with excessive thoughts bouncing around in my head. And to be quite honest, I am HORRIBLE at meditation. I have been trying for over a month, I only do it for five measly minutes, and I’ve tried guided and non-guided – I have yet to accomplish what I would consider a successful session. Apparently it is very nearly impossible to clear my head of all the noise. I’m still working on it though… As well as many other areas in which I intend to grow.
And as this post digresses, I’m wondering if I actually have a point that I am attempting to convey. I seem to struggle with this for my Life Category posts… Per my typical self, I tend to ramble. I suppose my take home message is that inner peace and calm is a personal quest worth pursuing. It may in fact be never ending, but it is something that I feel is extraordinarily important for self growth and happiness. We are always a work in progress, as we should be, in all aspects of our lives – for without the work we will fail to grow. I’m not necessarily suggesting you start your own morning routine, but I do encourage you to think about how, and in what ways, you would like to grow and start incorporating pertinent tasks into your everyday life in order to achieve your goals. It can be difficult, but it will be worth it. I sincerely wish you luck in your endeavors.
Today’s mantra: Slow down… Life rushes on, there’s no need to hurry the process. Live in the moment and enjoy it.
