Schooled

I held her little hand in mine as we walked a bit apprehensively into the building. She was nervous. I was sad. And we were both more than a little sleepy. It was Olivia’s first day of school.

When the time came for me to let go of her hand, all I could think about was that in some small way I had just lost my baby girl. She was officially a kid now. The years had flown by before my very eyes. I walked to my car with a heavy heart. I sat in the parking lot and cried, and fervently prayed that she would have a good day.

All summer long I told myself I was ready – perhaps…dare I say it… maybe even a little excited. Olivia was going to go to school full time this year (all day, five days a week!), to a great school; one that I couldn’t be more thankful to have her enrolled in. I told myself it wouldn’t be all that much different since she had been in preschool part time for years. And I was going to have more time to pursue and concentrate on the many dreams and goals I’ve been working on in “my spare time.” Surely it should be alright …except for that little bit about not being able to spend as much time with her.

How mistaken I was. It turns out I wasn’t prepared in the least. Instead, it hit me like a freight train chugging along at about mach one. I absolutely cried… for days …and days…

For those of you reading this and rolling your eyes, I get it. (I might have even been an eye-roller myself many moons ago.) The whole thing is cliché. Social media is currently saturated with first day of school pictures. However, just because it is cliché, doesn’t make it any less real, or difficult, for those experiencing it. You see, it might seem like just another first day of school picture, but for that parent, it’s a big milestone. As parents we are commemorating steps towards the future and mourning another year lost. Our children grow up too fast. We blink and childhood is gone forever. All we can do is try our best to be present, relish the moments we spend together, raise them well, and find joy in who they become. It’s both wonderful and a touch heartbreaking.

Needless to say, I think I learned some valuable lessons the first week of school: I admonished myself for taking too many things for granted. Mommies have separation anxiety too. I was in fact not ready in the least. And waking up before the sun is hard – on everyone.

As for Olivia, I’m not sure if she likes school yet or not. It depends on when you ask her. In the morning when it very nearly takes an act of congress to get her up and ready (and my blood pressure goes through the roof), she will vehemently declare that she doesn’t like school, doesn’t want to go, and that it’s no fun because she has to work and learn (haha). In the afternoon when I pick her up, she will excitedly tell me about all of the spiffy stuff they did, and concede that she actually had a fun day.

All I can say is that I hope things get just a little easier as time goes on…