Just Chill…

Don’t you just love those sneaky little curve balls that life throws at you from time to time? Just when you least expect it, one comes zinging along and smacks you in the cranium with nary even a “hey, heads up…” Well, this curve ball was likely the size of Texas, and I probably should have seen it coming.

Not very long ago I got put on “chill pills” (a.k.a. anxiety medication). It seems that this whole pandemic thing got to be a bit too much for me, particularly when added to my existing internal storms of stress and anxiety that I experienced on a daily basis. Truth be told, I’m sure I should have started taking said chill pills much earlier in life… However, this time around none of my tricks and mental exercises were working, and what’s worse is that my anxiety was starting to manifest into physical symptoms and was taking a toll on my body.

The first time I showed up at the doctor’s office, I was certain that my blood pressure was through the roof because for weeks I had been having nonstop roaring headaches that felt like my skull was going to split open from the pressure. After a quick exam, the doctor ordered up medication for anxiety instead of hypertension. The next time I found myself in the doctor’s office, and later hooked up to an EKG machine, I was seriously concerned I might be having a heart attack. That’s when they upped my dosage of chill pills…

It seemed that my body could no longer continue to keep up with my brain’s overabundance of stress, anxiety, and overall negative thoughts swirling around in my head. The doctor assured me that even though there were unflattering stereotypes surrounding anxiety medicine and mental health, that the medication really would be beneficial, etc. I later thought about how absurd that was. Why is this world so judgmental…? And then at the same time, I tried to process my difficulty in accepting my needing to take such medication. I was literally having anxiety over needing to take anxiety medication. (And yes; I’m aware of just how ridiculous that is.)

I think it came down to this… While I completely understand that there are those who struggle (terribly) with things like anxiety, depression, and a plethora of other diagnoses, I never thought of myself as someone who actually suffered from such things. Heck, I only recently realized that my anxious thoughts and behavior weren’t exactly normal. But I didn’t think they were all that serious, and on the grand scale of things, they’re really not. Also, I had been living with them all my life, after all, so they still seemed normal to me. I didn’t consider myself sick or as having a brain that functioned differently than others.

No, my issue was that, in my head, a doctor was (in not so many words) telling me that my uptight personality needed to be fixed with medication because I don’t know how to chill out. It was my personality that needed to be fixed and not my brain function, which made me feel like a total failure because I had been trying for years to learn how to chill with meditation, Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, yoga, positive thinking, etc. However, after some research, I did come to find that no, my brain does indeed operate differently than “normal” brains.

In the end, I decided to get over myself and take the medication – before my body planed total mutiny. I’m sorry I didn’t do so sooner, and I suspect my family is too. I feel much better. The stress doesn’t get to me like it used to, I’m not riddled with anxiety, I’m happier and more patient, and my head doesn’t feel like it’s going to explode – all good things. And you know what? I can absolutely tell if I’ve forgotten to take my chill pills. I’ve always heard that stress can actually hurt your body, and I believe that now more than ever.

To those of you who battle with mental illness (and I hope you don’t do so alone), my heart goes out to you. I’m probably barely on the map in terms of symptoms/issues, and can attest to the fact that it’s certainly no picnic. To the rest of the world, I hope we all become more understanding. And for those wondering, like I once was, I encourage you to have an open conversation with your doctor.

Sending you all peace and happy vibes…

PS: I suppose this sort of ties into my post that I did for The Soapbox Studio… (Check that out here.)

PPS: If you’re wondering about the picture above, I decided to place this sticker on top of my “chill pill” bottle as a friendly reminder to myself.