10 Things I’ve Learned During My Decade of Motherhood

Motherhood is no cakewalk – unless that cakewalk happens to also be in a field full of landmines. Every time you think you’ve figured something out, and you’ve earned yourself a seat – it all blows up in your face. Boom…! And lemme tell you, I just stepped onto a landmine of a milestone. My “baby” just turned 10!!! Double digits. (Pardon me while I sob uncontrollably for a bit.)

It’s hard for me to fathom. I’ve officially been a mom for an entire decade. Nine years ago, my postpartum, sleep deprived self would have envied where I am now, and probably the same goes for my future self in another decade when I will miss this sweet age. The saying that goes, “the days are long, but the years are short,” is so, so painfully true. Which is why I try my best to be present and appreciate the sweet moments because I know just how swiftly they turn into memories.

That being said, I am not the mom who will claim that we should cherish every single moment. That my friend, is B.S. (which in our house stands for bologna sandwiches because we’re impressively PG around Olivia). Every time someone told me that common phrase when I was a new mom, I wanted to kick them in the shin. Yes; motherhood is the sweetest, most wonderful role and honor I have ever been blessed with. However, I will never sugar coat just how ever-lovin’ hard it is. I feel like we don’t talk about that enough; and those who portray only the positive aspects, do a disservice to women and society in general. It makes the rest of us feel inadequate, guilty, and like utterly horrible moms. It also paints unrealistic expectations for everyone on this planet, which becomes acutely painful when it affects those in your immediate world. Basically, it makes moms feel isolated and like total crap.

I’ll always be the first to say that motherhood is effing hard. All of it. The different seasons and stages only mean there are new hurdles to overcome. So far, I’ve made it through the years (and years) of sleepless nights, the toddler tantrums, the frustrations of potty training, the over stimulation, the endless questions, the testing of boundaries, and I’m now seemingly in the calm before the storm, at the brink of the turbulent teenage years. It’s all hard. It’s all normal. It’s all worth it. And it’s all done with unconditional love. (Love doesn’t diminish even when your patience is being tested to unconventional limits.) And I’m willing to bet you feel the same way. In fact, if you’re a mom, please stop beating yourself up over everything. You. Are. A. Good. Mom. You know how I know? Because you’re reading this, and because every mom I’ve ever met has worried that they’re not. Good moms worry about being good moms. Every so often, it’s nice to have a reminder – this is just that. Trust me; you’re doing great and you’re being too hard on yourself.

I’m only 10 years into this mom gig, but I have learned a few things. (Thank goodness; it would be embarrassing if I hadn’t!) And I’d like to share them, if I may… If you’re not interested, by all means, please just skip over this part because I will never intentionally bombard moms with unsolicited advice. (Ya feel me, don’t you?) So, here’s what I’ve come up with…

A support group is essential. Being a friend and having friends makes all the difference. You can vent to each other, lift one another up, arrange play dates (if they have kids too), and go on girls’ nights out. Don’t let your friendships dwindle because you’re consumed with responsibilities. It takes some work, but it is so worth the effort.
Ask for help. This one is hard. I still struggle with this. I’m a, “I can do it all myself” kinda person. And while that may be true, it’s not necessary or even recommended. It might feel satisfying to do everything on your own, but eventually exhaustion and resentment are going to rear their ugly heads. Also, it’s important to communicate your needs. Folks are not mind readers…
Make and/or enforce boundaries – both with others and yourself. If you don’t, you’re going to be miserable. Boundaries are important because they not only teach others how we want to be treated, but they also keep ourselves in check when it comes to our thoughts and behavior. Whether it’s saying “no thanks” to a full schedule, or reminding yourself that you should ask for help more often (see above), it’s all part of not becoming a doormat.
Working on your own issues… Even if you had the most remarkable childhood and are an outstanding adult, I’m willing to bet that you still have some behaviors and beliefs that you could work on. (Here’s the secret, we ALL do.) Everyone is a work in progress (we’re suppose to be!) and self-mastery is important so that we do not pass down our mind-trash to our children. Be the change, and just try your best.
Master your own feelings and emotions. This one goes hand in hand with the one above, though it’s more about your role as the adult. It probably goes without saying that we’re going to lose our shit now and then, but it’s important to own up to it. When this happens, we need to apologize to our kiddo(s) for our behavior. Adult tantrums are no prettier than toddler ones (who actually lack emotional development at this stage). When we take responsibility for our behavior, we’re being good role models. Likewise, it’s also essential to demonstrate emotional regulation and coping skills. So, before we fly off the handle and start yelling, it’s better to find your calm – in whatever techniques that work best for you.
Ah, selfcare… It’s probably talked about more than it’s practiced. They say you can’t fill from and empty cup. At one point, I don’t think I even had a freak’n cup to begin with. (See boundaries above.) Taking care of yourself is crucial. If you don’t take time to rest, your body is eventually going to rebel and force you to, whether you like it or not. So, take it from me; find some activities that you enjoy and that recharge your batteries. The selfcare practice that works wonders for me is alone time. I need time to decompress and I need breaks, or I get cranky, ha.
Spend quality time with your kiddo. I don’t just mean hang out with them. They say that kids feel connected to their parent if they receive at least 15 minutes of undivided attention a day. So, put down your phone and pick up a book or some toys. Meet them where they are and go all in with whatever lights them up. This will drastically improve your relationship, as well as their mood and behavior.
Stop comparing (and stop judging). I mean it. Stop it. I promise you that whoever you think is the perfect mom and has it all together, is struggling just as much as you are. And so what if Suzie down the street feeds her kids only organic foods, and you were too frazzled to make lunch today so you drove through McDonalds. You’re both great moms. The simple truth is that you are the perfect mom for YOUR kid(s). Also, when you’re a mom, advice comes at you from all sides. Take what fits for you and leave the rest (including this post). Do it your way.
You don’t have to be extra all the time – or at all. Sometimes simple is better. I frequently feel like motherhood is some kind of twisted competition. Birthday parties become more extravagant each year, milestones like back to school get blown out of proportion, and if you’re feeling bad about yourself, please stay away from Pinterest (sweet mercy). If being extra is your thing, more power to you! But if you’re only being extra because you feel pressured to do so, just let it go. The important thing is to make your kiddo feel seen, loved, and heard on a daily basis. And yes; special too, but you can do that however best suits your family.
Give yourself some grace. Seriously… You can be super mom one day, and mediocre mom the next. Not everyday is going to be sunshine and rainbows, and that’s okay. Really. When you have a crappy day, remind yourself of all the good ones, and simply try again tomorrow. You are a good mom.

Whew, I got a little long winded there… Obviously, there are gads and gads of other important things I’ve learned – and am STILL learning. And I’m not so ridiculous as to think I have all the answers (or hell, even the answers you’re looking for). I’m just here to say that I totally understand; you’re not alone; and simply that the above list has helped me through the years. Do I know what I’m doing? Heck no! Does anyone? (Seriously?) Most the time, I’m a hot mess. In fact, if you have any words of wisdom that you’d like to impart for my kiddo’s upcoming teenage years, by all means, please let me know. I’m sure I could use all the help I can get.

I hope this pep talk-post helps boost your mood and confidence. And above all, I hope it inspires us to normalize what normal motherhood looks like. Cheers, and hug your babies tight (if they’ll allow it…).

PS: I’ve said it many times, but I’ll mention it again… When I became a mom, journaling saved my sanity. And more recently, anxiety medication has been a game changer. I highly recommend both (the latter if needed). If you’re interested in the journaling method I created (which incorporates some of the things I mentioned above), by all means, check that out here. If you’re interested in anxiety meds, you’ll have to talk to your doctor – I can’t help you there.

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🙂