© 2024 Rachel L. Shumate | All rights reserved.
The featured image is of my daughter’s “lovey” named, Sheepie. The image on the left is what he looked like new, and the image on the right is what he looks like very, very er… loved. And I find it so humorous because if I were to pull up before and after images of myself, predating motherhood and now, they’d probably have the same theme! (I pray there’s not actually a picture of me laying on the floor…) What can I say? Time passes, stress happens, and mom’n ain’t easy. But instead of mourning the loss of things like my sleep and sanity, I choose a different perspective… Much like the Velveteen Rabbit, and poor Sheepie pictured here, I like to consider how much love has made me REAL.
I concede that being a mom has been challenging, even on the best of days. And I admit, I was unprepared and ill-equipped for what motherhood would throw at me. Because mercy… The supposed “villages” are long gone (if they existed at all), and it’s all hard – every stage and age, just different seasons and reasons. Motherhood has forced me to grow and stretch in ways I never imagined (and I’m not talking about my waistline). However, I’m not worse for the wear. Rather, like having been tested in fire, I’ve gotten stronger, wiser, and hopefully more patient. (Ever working on that one!)
Over the years I have loved so much that I thought I would burst – just to find that it only increases more and more each day. I have failed wildly and learned from more mistakes than I care to count. I have grown emotionally, spiritually, and mentally. Sure, there are days when I feel like the worst mom on the planet, and sardonically wonder if Olivia will need therapy to recover from her childhood. And there are others that I smile to myself and think, wow… I am doing a pretty decent job of this. Occasionally, the pendulum can swing from one extreme to the other in a matter of hours (maybe minutes?). But most of the time, it’s somewhere in between. All I can do is try my hardest to show up as the best version of myself.
And molding my “best self” is perhaps one of the hardest things I’ve tackled in motherhood. (Even harder than potty training!) Addressing and healing inner storms is no small task. (Don’t judge; we all have them.) My goal is growth, and to not pass down any unwanted and misguided learned behavior that I have. So, I’ve strived to work on my own hangups. (Taking a good hard look at yourself can be rather eye-opening.) The struggle is real, but so worth it. Only I can give my daughter a mom who is loving, present, understanding, and (at least mostly) free of toxic traits and thoughts – however small and seemingly harmless.
So, yes… Love has forever changed me. It has made me more real and alive than I’ve ever been. I love my daughter unconditionally, and she is without a doubt my greatest blessing. Perhaps unexpectedly though, I am also learning to love myself. On hard days, I try to remember to afford myself some grace. I am an imperfect human in a chaotic world trying my best to raise a child well. It is the most important thing I will ever do. I am not at all the person I once was. And I think that’s a good thing. (Even if it means I seem extra “loved.”)
PS: If you’re a mama too, I’m sending you a big virtual hug. You probably don’t hear this enough, but you’re doing great!!! Seriously, ignore all the criticism, judgement, and guilt that society inundates you with. And please give yourself some grace. If you’re not a mom, but have friends who are, please check on them. They are likely not okay.
Other posts you might enjoy:
Navigating North – How I Changed My Life
10 Things I’ve Learned During My Decade of Motherhood
🙂
