Mommyhood

I sat on the couch holding Olivia wondering if she would ever stop fidgeting and drift off to sleep for her nap. When she finally lets sleep win, I gaze at this tiny person cuddled peacefully in my arms, and I cry…

It had been a long day, and it wasn’t even halfway over with yet. My long morning had been preceded by an even longer night with multiple trips to Olivia’s room every couple of hours or so, which unfortunately isn’t all that uncommon. (Truly, sleep deprivation is no laughing matter; it’s a state of constant fogginess and minor psychosis that I have been afflicted by for over two years now.) The intermittent sleep I did receive was plagued with nightmares of being pregnant again. I awoke relieved to find I was not.

I was exhausted and so far the day had already brought about a handful of toddler fits which I fear might be heralding the infamous “terrible twos.” With each sudden outburst I couldn’t help but to look at my usually sweet, but suddenly distraught daughter in bewilderment; all while trying to process what was wrong this particular time and how exactly to manage it. And with each screaming episode I could feel my energy level plummeting and my exasperation spiking.

…My attention returns to the moment. Nap time cuddles are probably my favorite part of the day. Very nearly every day as I hold my “baby” in my arms, I usually shed a tear or two. It’s as though my heart bursts and breaks from overwhelming love. I take in this feeling of pure joy for a short while. She begins to stir and I place her on the couch and tuck her in. I then trudge to the kitchen for more coffee so that I can up my caffeine intake to help me accomplish an absurd amount of chores and tasks while she sleeps for two hours.

Being a stay-at-home mom is the hardest, most demanding job I’ve ever had. The job title doesn’t carry much weight in the real world either. However, it is certainly the most rewarding “career” imaginable. It’s no picnic though; I assure you, that I do not sit around watching soap operas, eating bonbons in my yoga pants. Who on earth has time to sit anyway? I am busy all day and usually all night too since Olivia still refuses to sleep through the night. There are actually times that I entertain the thought of going back to work just to have a break. And then I remember that I would probably hate it for missing Olivia too much.

I never had any disillusions about pregnancy or motherhood. I knew it would be hard – even so, I really confess I had no idea exactly how much. My husband, Kendall, would watch those dreaded Johnson & Johnson commercial campaigns, “Having a baby changes everything.” and would swoon over them. Meanwhile, I would go, “exactly!” but not in favor of their marketing message. Usually in relationships it’s the woman trying to persuade the man into starting a family. We were the exact opposite.

People laughed at me, but I had a “baby bucket list” of terms and conditions before I would consider having a baby (see below if you’re curious). Once everything was fulfilled, I then gave Kendall a timeline (spreadsheet and all) of two months in which we needed to get pregnant so that I wouldn’t miss my cousin’s wedding in Mexico, or we would have to wait and start trying again after we got back. I have to say, Kendall was a good sport and really manned up. Not only did he check off everything on my bucket list, we got pregnant the very first try …true story. Not even the doctor could believe it.

And so the course of my life was forever changed. If I were to be brutally honest, I would admit that I have found motherhood extremely difficult, and I would be lying if I said I enjoy every minute of it (as I’m told I should). There are many days that I regrettably don’t handle things as gracefully as I should. I don’t always feel as though I’m all that great at my responsibility, or worthy of my “mommy” title. It is a terrifying thing to be someone’s role model, in charge of shaping their whole life and character. It undoubtedly forces you to examine your own soul with great scrutiny.

It’s also 100% true that having a baby changes everything. Being a mom, and a stay-home one to boot, has affected every aspect and every relationship in my life. How could it not? My constant attention is focused on my child no matter the time or place. It means that I am never alone (not even in the bathroom), that my time is wholly devoted to others, and that my identity is no longer my own. Yes; it’s quite an adjustment. And while I entered motherhood with a great deal of trepidation, and sometimes I still struggle, I am forever grateful that I did indeed do so. I’m furthermore thankful I am able to be “just” a stay-at-home mom and to enjoy these ephemeral moments that many parents are forced to miss in order to help support their families.

I love my daughter more than life itself. It is a love like no other and there are absolutely no words to explain it. She is worth every single sleepless night, every sacrifice, every gray hair, every tear, and every “mommy meltdown.” I am ever grateful for her and thankful Kendall talked me into bringing her into our lives. Without a doubt, Olivia makes me happier than I ever thought possible. She is the greatest blessing God has ever given me. Even so, God willing, (and despite those that rebuke me, saying I’m selfish) I pray Olivia is my only child because I don’t believe I have the strength or sanity to attempt another one.

The Baby Bucket List:

I had to be at least 30 years old before I would consider it.
We had to be homeowners. (Kendall and I lived in an apartment the first couple of years of our marriage.)
I had to get a new camera. (I even got an awesome lens with it as icing on the cake.)
I wanted to go to Europe – either Italy or France. (We went to Italy. You can read about that here. It was the most amazing trip of my life.)