© 2020 Rachel L. Shumate | All rights reserved.
Okay, so I’ll go first… This process is about being open and sharing part of your story to help boost empathy and understanding in a harsh world. As the creator, I suppose I should walk the walk, as they say. We are also in the midst of the COVID-19 pandemic and I’m currently my only option for a model, ha. And with all that’s going on, perhaps this snippet of my story seems timely. Although to be honest, it took me some time to come up with something to share because I don’t consider myself to have a remarkable backstory, and I must say that I am unbelievably blessed. And then one day it occurred to me that perhaps I should talk about this…
For many years now I’ve been on a quest of self-improvement. It hit full force when my daughter was born. Instead of being blissfully happy as a new mother (as society claims you should be) I was stressed out, absolutely beyond sleep deprived, anxiety ridden, resentful, and in complete denial about having (a likely serious case of) postpartum depression. I was not okay; very far from it… and for much longer than I’d care to admit.
There will be many who read this that will have critical and judgmental opinions. And I don’t care. One thing I’ve learned through motherhood is that everyone seems to think they know how to raise your child better than you do – never mind individual circumstances. (The mommy shaming in our culture is ridiculous.) I will not go into the many difficulties I experienced, or the challenges I faced, because it doesn’t matter anymore. Though I will say that I actually think that anyone in my position would’ve had a hard time. However, it was my outlook that made it all so much worse. (And one thing I’ve learned is that a positive attitude is crucial.)
I was at least able to recognize that I was no longer myself, and that my once happy demeanor had vanished into a dark abyss. I have since spent the last several years clawing my way back out. I was determined to become a good role model for my daughter. Because the big, scary, hard truth is: as parents we are not only responsible for the wellbeing of our children, it is also imperative that we shape their characters and souls properly so that they become good and beautiful people. I also knew that I alone could give my daughter a happy and loving mother who demonstrated good character. No one can do the work for you.
I set about trying to find help. I needed an attitude adjustment and I was determined to give myself one. I discovered a journaling technique called bullet journaling and decided to start a journal. And I have since written in my journal(s) every single day for the last five+ years. After a time, my journaling evolved and I basically developed my own style which has helped me immensely. – I cannot recommend journaling enough. It has seriously changed my life.
I also started reading self-help books. At the time, I was so naive about the whole thing that I have to admit that I more or less stumbled into the genre. It’s stupid, but I really had no idea that I likely suffer from anxiety, that my thoughts were not actually normal, and that there are others who experienced the same things I did. All I knew was that I was unhappy and I wanted to change my attitude, so I searched for books about happiness and joy. I was amazed at the number of books written on this topic. And several books into it (all the while broadening my horizons), I couldn’t help but be a little proud of myself that I had actually already initiated many of the things the authors recommended. So at least I was on the right track.
It seems self-discovery and self-improvement are popular themes, or topics, these days. It’s always been around, but our culture is more interested in it lately. I never imagined that for once in my life I would be trendy about anything, haha. Truly though, I’m so glad that it’s growing in popularity because I think we can all benefit from it. We should always be a work in progress. We should always try to better ourselves. If you’ve never picked up a self-help book, I highly recommend it. They’re not just for losers – quite the opposite.
And for those who battle daily (or even occasionally) with anxiety, stress, unhappiness, depression, grief, you name it, please know you are not alone. If you haven’t already, please seek help. (Also, I am sending you a virtual hug right now.) Seven years ago, during my darkest time, at least three of my closest loved ones suggested I get on medication. Instead of taking their advice, I stubbornly decided to go it alone. I probably could have at least benefitted greatly from a therapist (probably still could, if I am to be brutally honest). I am much happier now than I was. Partly because of my efforts, and partly because I’m FINALLY no longer sleep deprived, and motherhood has gotten ever so slightly easier (most days). My stress and anxiety haven’t exactly dissipated, but I do my best to control them with the tools and exercises I’ve learned.
It is my wish that by sharing this, I offer hope and compassion to someone who might need it. Once more stories are posted, I’m sure that mine will seem less significant. I know that others have much more difficult experiences to share. However, that is the whole point of this project… Every single one of us has a story, and they are all significant. WE are all significant. My goal is to ignite empathy and understanding (and I dare to dream, even love) in the heart of every reader. And to remind the world that before we judge… strangers have stories too… (And judgmental attitudes are terrible, by the way.)
PS: Yes; I really did take a self-portrait blindfolded while balancing a stack of books on my head! (Still giving myself kudos for that, ha.) It was not an easy task, but I managed. The best part is that my husband walked in on my little photo shoot and thought I’d lost my ever-loving mind hahahaha!
About the Image:
Illumination
This image depicts the story teller blindfolded and crying, while balancing a stack of self-help books on her head. The writing and ink blots represent her journaling journey. The aforementioned signify her struggle to overcome anxiety, stress, negative energy, and the difficulty of life’s balancing acts. The gold represents knowledge and positivity.
UPDATE: Read about how I eventually started taking “chill pills” in this blog post.
